What wives with husbands involved in porn don’t want to hear…

June 17, 2009 at 8:30 pm (spiritual battle, wife)

Up front…I’ve been there. I’ve lived where you live. I’ve doubted myself, my marriage and my husband. I’ve had my share of restless and sleepless nights. I’ve also had my share of marital sex that had little to do with marital intimacy. Just so we’re clear…I’ve been there.

Your husband needs accountability in this area. And…that person to whom he is accountable should not be you. Seriously…consider your most grievous sin and multiply it by about a thousand and then give an account for every temptation, every glance, every thought to the one person that your sin would hurt the most. Who would do that? Your husband needs to be accountable to other godly men. You are not his momma. God made helpmeets, not momma-meets.

We as wives must also have a very clear understanding that your husband has sinned first and foremost against God and then you. Just like King David. His first sin was against God. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or it should be dismissed as “nothing.” I’m saying we cannot forget that God is the head of marriages and God is the first one offended by our sin – any and all sin. And if we think that the consequences of porn here on earth are bad…just wait…it’ll be worse for them when they stand before the Lord to give an account.

A bit more frankly…who do we think we are when we demand perfection from someone else? I know some wives reading this will have an incredulous look of “I don’t expect perfection from my husband…” Sure ya do. I did. I expected that as soon as he said, “I’m sorry and it’ll never happen again…” that well…it would NEVER happen again.

We, as wives, expect our husbands to deal with this issue once and then be done with it as though it were quitting a bad habit. Porn is not a habit, I’m not even convinced it’s a real addiction but it is a sin problem and requires massive amounts of confession, repentance and self-control, which is doable by relying on someone greater than themselves. The choice not to sin when faced with the temptation can be done, but the temptation doesn’t magically go away.

Consider the amount of sex in our media alone. While we may not be affected by a Victoria Secret ad, men are. It really is very simple. We see a pretty bra and panties and wonder at the cost…our husbands see what those items are holding and that’s it…the mind stops and the brain freezes. So, in this area, we can help protect our husbands by being more aware of what we bring into our homes. And I’m not saying that we are responsible for our husband’s sin, nor should we become overly obsessed with all this. It’s a matter of discernment and balance.

Finally…Porn destroys marriages. The intimate part of a marriage is sacred for a reason. The vows we take are solemn for a reason. Forsaking all others (real or imagined) is for a reason. We must pray for the purity of the marriage bed, for the integrity and character of our husbands and for ourselves as well. Many of us have bore the burden of what it costs when a husband looks at porn. And, we can choose to bear it alone or allow God to shoulder the majority of it.

We cannot fix another human being. We are not the Holy Spirit. In this area, I encourage wives to push all the grace from other areas of their life into the way they view their husband. He cannot genuinely confess and repent from porn with someone breathing down his neck, just waiting for him to screw up. Show him grace. Be firm on your stance on sin, but show him grace. He will stumble and he will fall. But our Lord tells us to be angry and sin not. I’ve been angry…and I’ve definitely sinned against my husband with my anger concerning porn. I’m still working on the “not.”

It took quite some time to get to the place I am now, but I love my husband more every day and I love the Lord even more. I know when I stand before God, He will ask why I sinned against my husband while he was deep in the pit fighting for his life, dealing with porn…what will I say? Will my actions speak louder than my angry words? Will the grace the Father has shown me be reflected in my own actions? Will this letter be put to the test in my own life…again…

Perhaps. None of us are sinless. But we can choose to rely on someone greater than ourselves, who loves us and wants the best for us. He has made provisions for us to run from sin, but we have to decide to do so.

I would pray for any wife reading this to take a moment…
breathe in…breathe out…
and truly confess your anger and ask God what He would have you do. It grieves me that this is such a dominant issue in marriages. But they are our marriages and we must be prepared to fight this enemy and not turn on one another.

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Unbelievers and Heaven

February 13, 2009 at 7:03 pm (evangelism, serving)

I was randomly listening and flipping TV stations and stumbled across a concert with Live.  I have always liked their music and ended up listening to most of the concert.  The lead singer gave a few words before singing their song, “Heaven” about how this song was his prayer for his daughter and his famly.

I’m fairly certain…not positive, but pretty sure…that these guys are not Christians as you and I would define it.  However…the lyrics to this song are such a vivid analogy of Romans 1:20 where Paul describes the unrighteous as being without excuse in not knowing God.

I wanted to share this simply because of late, the circles I run in have had many discussions on unbelievers capacity to serve and can unbelievers impact our lives for God’s glory, etc.

I included all the lyrics, as repetitive as they might seem…but in reading them, keep Romans 1:20 in mind. 

“Heaven”

You don’t need no friends
get back your faith again
you have the power to believe
another dissident
take back your evidence
it has no power to deceive

I’ll believe it when I see it, for myself

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

I sit with them all night
everything they say is right
but in the morning they were wrong
I’ll be right by your side
come hell or water high
down any road you choose to roam

I’ll believe it when I see it for myself

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive, yeah

darling, I believe, Oh Lord
sometimes it’s hard to breathe, Lord
at the bottom of the sea, yeah yeah

I’ll believe it when I see it for myself

I don’t need no one to tell me about heaven
I look at my daughter, and I believe.
I don’t need no proof when it comes to God and truth
I can see the sunset and I perceive

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catching up

November 18, 2008 at 9:35 pm (church plant)

Haven’t written here in a while…so much happened in such a short span of time. Preparations for the Acts29 boot camp. Completing that process only to find out we’re not recommended as church planters for their network.  Discussing that back home with Oasis and being excited about the Gospel and an even more committed group of Christ followers ready to do the work of spreading the Gospel of Christ.

Then wham! Our long time friend and family member, Blue gets very sick with kidney failure. She has been our beloved cat for about 13 years…pretty much the entire time Derek and I have been together. We had to make tough decisions and then walk out those decisions. Derek and I said our last goodbyes to her last week and then put her to sleep on November 14. My heart still aches as I type these words. We miss her so much…still look for her every time I jump in the shower (it was one of her favorite things…showers, rain, water in any form) or anytime I walk outside, she tagged along. It’s still hard. It still hurts. I still cry.

In all of this, God is good. I believe that, I trust that. I just wish this lump in my throat and pain in my heart would stop. I know grieving is like that. I know I am loved by my husband, my family and God. I suppose the pain of grief is there to remind us of the pain and suffering of Christ on the cross. (Heresy alert! No, I am not comparing the loss of Blue to the sacrifice of Jesus just so ya know.)

The love we have received from friends and Blue’s vet office has been very touching. Especially touching were the loving remarks from other men towards Derek about their own pets. Those who have had to make the hard decisions for their families and then follow it through alone. Derek gave me that option…but I was there when he found her tottering across a sand-filled driveway, abandoned by her mother and I wanted to be there when she left us.

Thank you from the bottom of my heart to all the friends who cried with me and all the friends who let us know we were in their thoughts.

Time will move on. The pain will grow less and Blue’s memory will become a source of warmth, rather than pain in my heart.

Blue at her most relaxed.

Blue at her most relaxed.

[caption id="attachment_71" align="alignright" width="120" caption="A content Blue."]A content Blue.[/caption]

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assessment and the meaning behind it all

September 22, 2008 at 8:14 pm (church plant, evangelism, serving)
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The time is getting closer to our assessment with the Acts29 Network of church plants.  We attend the October conference in St. Louis and will spend the last day being assessed as church planters.

I have listened to nearly every Mark Driscoll message out there.  I have laughed till I cried, I have wept till I couldn’t breathe and I know that God is in our lives, in our ministry and in our marriage.  And for some odd reason, I find great security in that.  I find great peace and contentment in the knowledge of the Kingdom picture.  That’s definitely new for me.  I’m more of an “in the moment” kinda gal.

I think I am looking forward to meeting other people who have a similar “demographic” as we do.  We’re not inner-city, we’re not a “downtown” kinda area, we’re not even suburban by definition.  We’re in a county surrounded by 160,000 blue collar workers with incomes on the low side of middle income.  Football is a religion, shopping is nobody’s pastime, and Budweiser is how you spell relaxation.

We’re smack in the middle of a country music video with achy-breaky-big mistakey-haircuts.  The people here work hard, very hard – nearly every home is two income.  Their weeks are filled with jobs, taking kids to various activities and shopping for food to feed them all.  These families love one another, love their community and would like to love their neighbors.  They’ve just never met them.  They don’t make to time to meet them.  They live in an area 25 years and don’t know their next-door neighbor, because it’s not something we do today.

I love our community.  I love the people around here.  They work hard all week and spend the weekends caring for their homes, their yards and trying to squeeze in a movie or sporting event. 

They need Jesus…and they need Him desperately.  Our neighbors are lonely, but fearful.  They’re friendly, but distant.  They’re in need of the truth and how it will set them free from their burdens.  We have reached out our hands to our neighbors and while it’s been kinda weird for everyone…they’re starting to reach back.

At our assessment in October, I feel like we’re representing more than just our community.  I know there are other areas with similar people, similar lifestyles.  I pray we can share our stories, gain encouragement and learn to keep our ears to the ground, listening to the heartbeat of our own community.

It’s weird, but assessment sounds so personal to me.  My temperament will be assessed and then they will determine if I do indeed possess the character that exhibits Christ in my life.

I will be given the approval from a group of men so that I may go out to spread the good news of Jesus Christ.   Wait a minute….didn’t I get that already?  Some guy about 2,000 years ago said something about going out … hmmm

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titus 2 and the highly functional female

September 3, 2008 at 7:52 pm (church plant, serving, wife)
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How many times have you heard women talk about how tired they are, worn out, burnt out, overwhelmed and devastated their lives are. And how many times have we, as listeners bothered to go beyond lip service in the lives of the women in such need of comfort or encouragement?

God created me as a woman with the capacity to love, to have responsibilities, to have great integrity and to worship. And when I say “capacity,” I don’t mean that in a mandatory way, but in a more qualifying manner. I don’t have to…I get to.

Women today work inside and outside the home, they raise their children, they plan menus, cook meals, clean an entire house, take care of laundry, coach sports, help with homework and at the end of the day, they need 4 more hours to get it all done. No wonder so many are overwhelmed and frustrated. No wonder women are not in bible studies and feel left out on the fringe, alone and dying.

Women have the capacity to do “it all.” God created us this way. However, God did not create us to do it alone. And I’m not talking about blaming our husbands – there’s enough of that going on in our culture without our help. I’m speaking about other women, other sisters in Christ. I’m talking about Titus 2. And not the Titus 2 where we sit down once a week, drink coffee and memorize a bible verse or turn our time into a support group for whining and complaining about our spouses.

I’m talking about Titus 2 where women live in community. The Titus 2 that allows us as sisters, to share ourselves with helpful suggestions, meaningful recommendations and counsel beyond the 7 Habits Of A Highly Functional And Angry Female. The kind of relationships that sanction our involvement in each others lives – not as an authority in each others business – but an involvement that we can walk out to the glory of God and to the delight of a well-managed home. (you know what I’m talking ’bout.)

I know it is not a normal occurrence in my life. I know that while my lips give service to the words of Jesus regarding the “one another’s” of scripture, my actions do not always follow those words. I need help and I have the privilege to give help.

Women are more tired from isolation than they are from interaction. Women tire at the thought of the to-do list at home. But, these women can get energized from those same to-do lists when they know their sisters in Christ are a phone call away to help or serve them.

Titus 2 is not a club, not a sorority, not a private society. It is sharing our lives as sisters in Christ. It is sharing the burden of managing our homes and caring for our families even in the course of employment inside or outside the home. Titus 2 is for our edification, our encouragement and also our admonition.

I pray the women of Oasis will continue to share this distinctive within and with-out our community.

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everything goes back to the garden

August 6, 2008 at 5:36 pm (church plant, rant, wife)
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It probably started about a year ago for me (earlier for more scholarly types), but this fact finally settled inside me. It took hold of my thinking and as I moved through life, I found it to be unbelievably true. It was just too simple, almost childlike in concept.

The sins we battle today, the problems we encounter, the issues we face can all be traced back to the garden. Back to the original sin that took place there and ultimately the consequences of that sin handed down by God. Many people call this the curse, however I can’t seem to find God cursing anything but the serpent and the ground for which man will toil.

I don’t believe we are cursed, but we do have to deal with the consequences of that original sin. Everyday. Which is why we desperately need our Lord and Savior.

One of the hot topics of today is the feminization of the church and/or why men don’t go to church.

The church building is too foo-foo. The church building has too many flowers. The worship music is played in keys too high for my voice. The pictures of Jesus are too girly. Everything about the church is done for women.

Seriously? This is what keeps men from church? Flowers and kleenex? When did so many men become such gutless wimps?

The fact is that men, in general haven’t stepped up the ladder to lead in various ministries, so women have filled that gap. However, when men do put their feet on the bottom rungs, women are the first ones to get their hackles up because men are trying to “rule over” what we’ve already done and the fear of being subjugated takes over. The past abuse of authority in the lives of women is still too fresh for many to grow beyond.

So here we are…back to the garden.

The man said, ““The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”” (Genesis 3:12)

The woman You gave me decorated the church with foo-foo and flowers and put kleenex boxes on the chairs and I am making You responsible via her actions for my problem.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, ““Did God actually say, ‘‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’’?”” (Genesis 3:1)

Men gave over their responsibilities and we took on leadership (and headship for many) and now, we’re supposed to just bow down and let them have it back? That can’t possibly be what’s written in Your word. No man will ever rule me.

Family issues today.
Marriage problems.
Church divisions about men/women roles in church.
Cultural norms.
All of it…traces back to the garden.

The results in our lives today?
Unaccountability,
Abdicating leadership.
Usurping authority.
Rebellion.
Pride.

I am very thankful for a husband like Derek, who loves God more than he loves excuses. A man who clearly sees what God intended for him from the beginning. A man who can tuck in his shirt, zip up his own pants and walk the path of a Godly man. He isn’t emasculated over a flower pot. He isn’t threatened by worship music. He doesn’t even care about the color of the walls.

He is a godly man in service to the most high God. He is setting an example for other men, who will in turn set the example for other men and so forth and so on.

And my advice to women? If your man is at the bottom rung of the ladder, he can’t get to the top with you standing in his way. You want a godly man to lead? Be a godly woman and let him.

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impact of the spiritual

July 24, 2008 at 8:59 pm (church plant, serving, spiritual battle, spiritual storm)
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What if this is your welcoming committee upon entering the kingdom of heaven:

Convicted felon now teaching bible studies
Meth addicts now praising God
Angry sons and daughters now filled with God’s love
Suicides now sitting at the banquet feast
Adulterers who are forgiven
Rebellious teen turned missionary
Serial killers reconciled to God

I recently viewed a video titled, Cardboard Testimonies. Powerful stuff. Thought provoking. And, in the moment, life changing.

I say “in the moment” because as soon as the next life altering crisis or trauma enters my life, that video will be forgotten. I might remember it as I’m falling asleep, but the impact this video has in my life will not be as weighty as its content warrants.

There are a handful of powerful videos, songs and messages that impact me intensely as I’m watching/listening to them. Every single time. But it would seem that the effect stops there. I don’t carry the message of impact with me into my everyday life. I feel greatly moved, deeply touched and then WHAM! The phone rings, the cat meows or someone else needs to be served and the message of hope and love I was just immersed in is like a vapor in the wind. It’s gone. Just like that.

What is wrong with me? Am I so weak-minded that I can’t stay focused and meditate on these things? Am I so weak-willed that I allow other issues to cloud my mind?

Or…does God have me right where He wants me so that “none may boast…” When I do finally become a mature Christian, it will be so blatantly obvious that it was all due to His work in me, that I am able to do nothing but point others to my Lord and Savior?

Of course, the last option would be my choice. It is, after all the “holy” answer. The answer that makes me feel better about the blackness of my heart. The answer that allows me to continue in the same manner I am, displacing all the pressure of results on God alone.

What do we do with the impact of the worshipful in our lives? How do we share it with others when we can’t get it to stick in our own lives?

I struggle with these things. A lot. I want to be God’s vessel for change, for ministry, for furthering His kingdom. But I’m not sure if I’m the willing vessel for God or simply the vessel of convenience for the emotionalism of this human body.

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holy spirit or magic 8 ball

July 11, 2008 at 8:00 pm (spiritual storm)
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Hasn’t everyone treated the Holy Spirit like one of those Magic 8 Balls we played with as kids?

I mean we all have asked questions expecting immediate and definitive answers to many issues when, in fact the answer itself is progressive. The answer takes some inward work, a heart change or even some outward work such as self control. And yet we want immediate results, instant gratification and pop culture responses.

I wonder what would happen if we actually tried using the Magic 8 Ball instead of waiting on the Holy Spirit.

I desire to live my life in God’s will. So, Magic 8 Ball am I living my life within God’s will?
Magic 8 Ball: Concentrate and Ask Again
okay…eyes squeezed shut…am I living my life within God’s will?
Magic 8 Ball: Outlook Not So Good

I would like to stop working at a job and devote my time to serving in ministry. How’s that looking Magic 8 Ball?
Magic 8 Ball: Reply Hazy, Try Again
I just want to quit my job!
Magic 8 Ball: My Sources Say No

After asking these questions of the Magic 8 Ball, I’m not convinced that the answers are any clearer or better or faster than what the Holy Spirit convicts in us, works through us and comforts our hearts.

For some reason, we have forgotten that most of the time, the progression of working and thinking through an issue is the answer. We forget that our relationship with God, Jesus and the Holy Spirit is somewhat interactive. It is not always about receiving some divine inspiration, sometimes it’s about giving when in pain and learning from our sins and how to love others as God loves us. It’s not magic and it doesn’t appear to be immediate. But it is for our benefit and for us to glorify God with.

So once again, Magic 8 Ball, is my future hopeful?
Magic 8 Ball: Ask Again Later

Great…out of all the Magic 8 Balls, I get the one with attitude.

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passion re-defined

July 1, 2008 at 9:05 pm (church plant, serving, women's ministry)
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When Christians say or hear the word passion, a few specific things come to mind.

The Passion of Christ – as so vividly demonstrated in the recent movie. Or this question, What is your passion or calling with regard to ministry?

I’m speaking of the latter in today’s blog.

I remember being asked that question many years ago and trying to figure out what it meant. What was I passionate about? What did I get excited about, what rejuvenated me, etc. I always thought it was women’s ministry since the programs, the studies, the events all fit under the banner of women’s ministry and it was really all I knew.

After many years of thinking this way, I just got so frustrated with the same programs, studies and events. Wondering why women were not being reached.

what was wrong with them?
or me?
or anything aside from the actual program, study or event?

Because it couldn’t possibly be those things. Those things had been meticulously thought out by people smarter and much more holy than me. Thought out, put in writing, correlated, stapled, glued and packaged into a neat box, ready to implement with a group of willing women.

Then another epiphany. I seem to be getting these closer together and somewhat more obvious, so the end must truly be near.

But I digress…

I heard an amazing and clarifying word from the Lawd via Shawn Maze, the founding pastor at Sanctuary. An amazing group of people who love the Lord with a great passion.

He spoke of passion in terms of dying for something. Serious terms of being so passionate about something, you would be willing to forfeit your life for it.

Wow.

Jesus did it. That must be why it’s called His Passion. He loved us and was so passionate about the Father, that Jesus died for it. For us.

Well, I can tell you. That changes the way I view my passion for anything now. I am surely not willing to die for a program or a study or even an event. I am not willing to die for a building or a tradition. I’m not even certain I’d die for an ideal or even the baby seals, no matter how many signatures were on the petition.

But I would put my life on the line for the Truth. The Truth that is Jesus. The truth that is the body of Christ.

So, what am I passionate about? What would I be willing to sacrifice my life for?

It goes without saying that I would give up my life for my husband, my children, my grandchildren, my parents, my brother and sister and any other family member.

However, I wanted to talk about the non-obvious…

I am passionate about those women who have been shot in the foot by other Christians. Those women who have been dissed by their Christian sisters in the name of homeschooling or some other ridiculously unbiblical cliche. And no…homeschooling is not unbiblical but making it a cliche to keep others out most certainly is.

I’d put my life on the line for those women who suffer, those women who stumble through life just looking for a kind word, a loving smile and genuine relationship.

My passion is for women who don’t know what they’re missing when they focus on anything but Jesus. When they find greater satisfaction in things of this world than their Lord and Savior.

My passion is for those dear sisters who don’t know that they are loved. They don’t know that others feel what they feel. Other women have been through what they have been through.

And through it all…they are loved by a God with a passion for them. A passion that I finally get. A passion that has now been adequately defined.

A passion for redemptive relationships.

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green is no longer mean

June 27, 2008 at 8:35 pm (rant)
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After reading page after page of the revitalization of being Green, and as a former Green’er I just can’t resist blabbing about it.

So, what is up with the reintroduction of Green?

I feel like I fell into a time warp and landed smack in the middle of a Greenpeace rally. I am also shocked to learn that today’s Green is not the same as yesteryear’s Green.

Yesteryear’s Green was all about joining Amnesty International and chaining oneself to a tree or a whale or even a baby seal. It was about anger. Anger at the injustice shown to the world we had been left in charge of since the Garden of Eden. Anger at big business overtaking the world with a bulldozer and barrel full of toxic waste.

Today’s Green seems to be more about things like recycling tuna cans or using solar power. I think that’s great – we need to turn tuna into some kind of power source. The smell alone could power a small vehicle for days.

My point is: where is the righteous indignation at the atrocities mankind has done to the environment in the name of big bucks and big business.

Seriously, take a look back at the 60’s-70’s tree huggers and then fast forward to the tree huggers of today…what happened? It’s like everyone got neutered.

I went from angry, tree-hugging vegetarian to going with the flow for many years now, but am ready to get back on the Green horse and wagon. I have a few products that when used up…well, they’ll just be used up and I won’t be buying any more. I’m nearly rid of all the plastic grocery store bags, too.

I’ve made the plunge into buying those really cool canvas bags for toting groceries and other purchased items, figuring the one time cost will certainly outweigh any future damage to the planet by my hands. I had to find just the right color with the correct lettering so people would admire me for being so Green. After all, we as Christians were left in charge as caretakers of this world and what have we done with it? Might as well be Green with style.

So, I think I’m all set for a Green future with cloth napkins, reusable flatware and plates along with a canvas tote bag and earth friendly cleaning products.

Now all I have to is arm myself with a cell phone, iPod, palm pilot, blackberry, blueberry and any other radioactive or unstable piece of technology that I have available.

That should just about do it. I still don’t know what to do with this big chain I saved for tree huggin’.

Peace y’all.

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