The Journey To Oasis

Up front…I’ve been there. I’ve lived where you live. I’ve doubted myself, my marriage and my husband. I’ve had my share of restless and sleepless nights. I’ve also had my share of marital sex that had little to do with marital intimacy. Just so we’re clear…I’ve been there.

Your husband needs accountability in this area. And…that person to whom he is accountable should not be you. Seriously…consider your most grievous sin and multiply it by about a thousand and then give an account for every temptation, every glance, every thought to the one person that your sin would hurt the most. Who would do that? Your husband needs to be accountable to other godly men. You are not his momma. God made helpmeets, not momma-meets.

We as wives must also have a very clear understanding that your husband has sinned first and foremost against God and then you. Just like King David. His first sin was against God. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or it should be dismissed as “nothing.” I’m saying we cannot forget that God is the head of marriages and God is the first one offended by our sin – any and all sin. And if we think that the consequences of porn here on earth are bad…just wait…it’ll be worse for them when they stand before the Lord to give an account.

A bit more frankly…who do we think we are when we demand perfection from someone else? I know some wives reading this will have an incredulous look of “I don’t expect perfection from my husband…” Sure ya do. I did. I expected that as soon as he said, “I’m sorry and it’ll never happen again…” that well…it would NEVER happen again.

We, as wives, expect our husbands to deal with this issue once and then be done with it as though it were quitting a bad habit. Porn is not a habit, I’m not even convinced it’s a real addiction but it is a sin problem and requires massive amounts of confession, repentance and self-control, which is doable by relying on someone greater than themselves. The choice not to sin when faced with the temptation can be done, but the temptation doesn’t magically go away.

Consider the amount of sex in our media alone. While we may not be affected by a Victoria Secret ad, men are. It really is very simple. We see a pretty bra and panties and wonder at the cost…our husbands see what those items are holding and that’s it…the mind stops and the brain freezes. So, in this area, we can help protect our husbands by being more aware of what we bring into our homes. And I’m not saying that we are responsible for our husband’s sin, nor should we become overly obsessed with all this. It’s a matter of discernment and balance.

Finally…Porn destroys marriages. The intimate part of a marriage is sacred for a reason. The vows we take are solemn for a reason. Forsaking all others (real or imagined) is for a reason. We must pray for the purity of the marriage bed, for the integrity and character of our husbands and for ourselves as well. Many of us have bore the burden of what it costs when a husband looks at porn. And, we can choose to bear it alone or allow God to shoulder the majority of it.

We cannot fix another human being. We are not the Holy Spirit. In this area, I encourage wives to push all the grace from other areas of their life into the way they view their husband. He cannot genuinely confess and repent from porn with someone breathing down his neck, just waiting for him to screw up. Show him grace. Be firm on your stance on sin, but show him grace. He will stumble and he will fall. But our Lord tells us to be angry and sin not. I’ve been angry…and I’ve definitely sinned against my husband with my anger concerning porn. I’m still working on the “not.”

It took quite some time to get to the place I am now, but I love my husband more every day and I love the Lord even more. I know when I stand before God, He will ask why I sinned against my husband while he was deep in the pit fighting for his life, dealing with porn…what will I say? Will my actions speak louder than my angry words? Will the grace the Father has shown me be reflected in my own actions? Will this letter be put to the test in my own life…again…

Perhaps. None of us are sinless. But we can choose to rely on someone greater than ourselves, who loves us and wants the best for us. He has made provisions for us to run from sin, but we have to decide to do so.

I would pray for any wife reading this to take a moment…
breathe in…breathe out…
and truly confess your anger and ask God what He would have you do. It grieves me that this is such a dominant issue in marriages. But they are our marriages and we must be prepared to fight this enemy and not turn on one another.