What wives with husbands involved in porn don’t want to hear…

June 17, 2009 at 8:30 pm (spiritual battle, wife)

Up front…I’ve been there. I’ve lived where you live. I’ve doubted myself, my marriage and my husband. I’ve had my share of restless and sleepless nights. I’ve also had my share of marital sex that had little to do with marital intimacy. Just so we’re clear…I’ve been there.

Your husband needs accountability in this area. And…that person to whom he is accountable should not be you. Seriously…consider your most grievous sin and multiply it by about a thousand and then give an account for every temptation, every glance, every thought to the one person that your sin would hurt the most. Who would do that? Your husband needs to be accountable to other godly men. You are not his momma. God made helpmeets, not momma-meets.

We as wives must also have a very clear understanding that your husband has sinned first and foremost against God and then you. Just like King David. His first sin was against God. I’m not saying it doesn’t hurt or it should be dismissed as “nothing.” I’m saying we cannot forget that God is the head of marriages and God is the first one offended by our sin – any and all sin. And if we think that the consequences of porn here on earth are bad…just wait…it’ll be worse for them when they stand before the Lord to give an account.

A bit more frankly…who do we think we are when we demand perfection from someone else? I know some wives reading this will have an incredulous look of “I don’t expect perfection from my husband…” Sure ya do. I did. I expected that as soon as he said, “I’m sorry and it’ll never happen again…” that well…it would NEVER happen again.

We, as wives, expect our husbands to deal with this issue once and then be done with it as though it were quitting a bad habit. Porn is not a habit, I’m not even convinced it’s a real addiction but it is a sin problem and requires massive amounts of confession, repentance and self-control, which is doable by relying on someone greater than themselves. The choice not to sin when faced with the temptation can be done, but the temptation doesn’t magically go away.

Consider the amount of sex in our media alone. While we may not be affected by a Victoria Secret ad, men are. It really is very simple. We see a pretty bra and panties and wonder at the cost…our husbands see what those items are holding and that’s it…the mind stops and the brain freezes. So, in this area, we can help protect our husbands by being more aware of what we bring into our homes. And I’m not saying that we are responsible for our husband’s sin, nor should we become overly obsessed with all this. It’s a matter of discernment and balance.

Finally…Porn destroys marriages. The intimate part of a marriage is sacred for a reason. The vows we take are solemn for a reason. Forsaking all others (real or imagined) is for a reason. We must pray for the purity of the marriage bed, for the integrity and character of our husbands and for ourselves as well. Many of us have bore the burden of what it costs when a husband looks at porn. And, we can choose to bear it alone or allow God to shoulder the majority of it.

We cannot fix another human being. We are not the Holy Spirit. In this area, I encourage wives to push all the grace from other areas of their life into the way they view their husband. He cannot genuinely confess and repent from porn with someone breathing down his neck, just waiting for him to screw up. Show him grace. Be firm on your stance on sin, but show him grace. He will stumble and he will fall. But our Lord tells us to be angry and sin not. I’ve been angry…and I’ve definitely sinned against my husband with my anger concerning porn. I’m still working on the “not.”

It took quite some time to get to the place I am now, but I love my husband more every day and I love the Lord even more. I know when I stand before God, He will ask why I sinned against my husband while he was deep in the pit fighting for his life, dealing with porn…what will I say? Will my actions speak louder than my angry words? Will the grace the Father has shown me be reflected in my own actions? Will this letter be put to the test in my own life…again…

Perhaps. None of us are sinless. But we can choose to rely on someone greater than ourselves, who loves us and wants the best for us. He has made provisions for us to run from sin, but we have to decide to do so.

I would pray for any wife reading this to take a moment…
breathe in…breathe out…
and truly confess your anger and ask God what He would have you do. It grieves me that this is such a dominant issue in marriages. But they are our marriages and we must be prepared to fight this enemy and not turn on one another.

3 Comments

titus 2 and the highly functional female

September 3, 2008 at 7:52 pm (church plant, serving, wife)
Tags: , , , ,

How many times have you heard women talk about how tired they are, worn out, burnt out, overwhelmed and devastated their lives are. And how many times have we, as listeners bothered to go beyond lip service in the lives of the women in such need of comfort or encouragement?

God created me as a woman with the capacity to love, to have responsibilities, to have great integrity and to worship. And when I say “capacity,” I don’t mean that in a mandatory way, but in a more qualifying manner. I don’t have to…I get to.

Women today work inside and outside the home, they raise their children, they plan menus, cook meals, clean an entire house, take care of laundry, coach sports, help with homework and at the end of the day, they need 4 more hours to get it all done. No wonder so many are overwhelmed and frustrated. No wonder women are not in bible studies and feel left out on the fringe, alone and dying.

Women have the capacity to do “it all.” God created us this way. However, God did not create us to do it alone. And I’m not talking about blaming our husbands – there’s enough of that going on in our culture without our help. I’m speaking about other women, other sisters in Christ. I’m talking about Titus 2. And not the Titus 2 where we sit down once a week, drink coffee and memorize a bible verse or turn our time into a support group for whining and complaining about our spouses.

I’m talking about Titus 2 where women live in community. The Titus 2 that allows us as sisters, to share ourselves with helpful suggestions, meaningful recommendations and counsel beyond the 7 Habits Of A Highly Functional And Angry Female. The kind of relationships that sanction our involvement in each others lives – not as an authority in each others business – but an involvement that we can walk out to the glory of God and to the delight of a well-managed home. (you know what I’m talking ’bout.)

I know it is not a normal occurrence in my life. I know that while my lips give service to the words of Jesus regarding the “one another’s” of scripture, my actions do not always follow those words. I need help and I have the privilege to give help.

Women are more tired from isolation than they are from interaction. Women tire at the thought of the to-do list at home. But, these women can get energized from those same to-do lists when they know their sisters in Christ are a phone call away to help or serve them.

Titus 2 is not a club, not a sorority, not a private society. It is sharing our lives as sisters in Christ. It is sharing the burden of managing our homes and caring for our families even in the course of employment inside or outside the home. Titus 2 is for our edification, our encouragement and also our admonition.

I pray the women of Oasis will continue to share this distinctive within and with-out our community.

1 Comment

everything goes back to the garden

August 6, 2008 at 5:36 pm (church plant, rant, wife)
Tags: , , , , , ,

It probably started about a year ago for me (earlier for more scholarly types), but this fact finally settled inside me. It took hold of my thinking and as I moved through life, I found it to be unbelievably true. It was just too simple, almost childlike in concept.

The sins we battle today, the problems we encounter, the issues we face can all be traced back to the garden. Back to the original sin that took place there and ultimately the consequences of that sin handed down by God. Many people call this the curse, however I can’t seem to find God cursing anything but the serpent and the ground for which man will toil.

I don’t believe we are cursed, but we do have to deal with the consequences of that original sin. Everyday. Which is why we desperately need our Lord and Savior.

One of the hot topics of today is the feminization of the church and/or why men don’t go to church.

The church building is too foo-foo. The church building has too many flowers. The worship music is played in keys too high for my voice. The pictures of Jesus are too girly. Everything about the church is done for women.

Seriously? This is what keeps men from church? Flowers and kleenex? When did so many men become such gutless wimps?

The fact is that men, in general haven’t stepped up the ladder to lead in various ministries, so women have filled that gap. However, when men do put their feet on the bottom rungs, women are the first ones to get their hackles up because men are trying to “rule over” what we’ve already done and the fear of being subjugated takes over. The past abuse of authority in the lives of women is still too fresh for many to grow beyond.

So here we are…back to the garden.

The man said, ““The woman whom you gave to be with me, she gave me fruit of the tree, and I ate.”” (Genesis 3:12)

The woman You gave me decorated the church with foo-foo and flowers and put kleenex boxes on the chairs and I am making You responsible via her actions for my problem.

Now the serpent was more crafty than any other beast of the field that the Lord God had made. He said to the woman, ““Did God actually say, ‘‘You shall not eat of any tree in the garden’’?”” (Genesis 3:1)

Men gave over their responsibilities and we took on leadership (and headship for many) and now, we’re supposed to just bow down and let them have it back? That can’t possibly be what’s written in Your word. No man will ever rule me.

Family issues today.
Marriage problems.
Church divisions about men/women roles in church.
Cultural norms.
All of it…traces back to the garden.

The results in our lives today?
Unaccountability,
Abdicating leadership.
Usurping authority.
Rebellion.
Pride.

I am very thankful for a husband like Derek, who loves God more than he loves excuses. A man who clearly sees what God intended for him from the beginning. A man who can tuck in his shirt, zip up his own pants and walk the path of a Godly man. He isn’t emasculated over a flower pot. He isn’t threatened by worship music. He doesn’t even care about the color of the walls.

He is a godly man in service to the most high God. He is setting an example for other men, who will in turn set the example for other men and so forth and so on.

And my advice to women? If your man is at the bottom rung of the ladder, he can’t get to the top with you standing in his way. You want a godly man to lead? Be a godly woman and let him.

3 Comments

Why isn’t my anger righteous?

May 21, 2008 at 7:22 pm (wife)
Tags:

As a wife, I oftentimes find myself taking a defensive position of my home and marriage.  And, to be quite frank, I have enjoyed some of those times.  I can feel a sense of righteousness in my anger against that which comes against my marriage, our home and our spiritual lives.

Then I remember James 1:19 Know this, my beloved brothers: let every person be quick to hear, slow to speak, slow to anger; 20 for the anger of man does not produce the righteousness of God.

And I want to know, “why not?”  Why doesn’t the anger I have towards sinful behavior produce righteousness?  Why is my anger about slander and defamation of character any less righteous?

Again, there’s that voice…you are not responsible for the sins of others, but you are responsible for how you respond to being sinned against.  I am accountable to God for my actions, regardless of the sin being tossed in my general direction.

Something the majority of church planters share in common is being sinned against…anonymously (as though being anonymous makes the person somehow invisible to God.)

We have had many stories shared with us about spiritual attacks, unsubstantiated gossip, unbiblical accusations and if none of those worked to the devil’s benefit, there were the many personal attacks against the marriages of church planters.  Accusations of adultery, misuse of personal finances, questionable parenting skills, etc.

So, I sit here seething with unbiblical anger.  Anger that I wish could be made righteous, but I know that ain’t gonna happen.  I am far too sinful, selfish and self-absorbed for my anger to be righteous.  No matter how much I justify and rationalize, it just ain’t so.

I cry out to God to help with my anger, to show me mercy by revealing how I might in turn, show mercy to others.  I don’t want to, but I know the true nature of my own heart and at times, the blackness therein could make the devil proud.   But not today.

Today, I will choose to follow the Lord.  Today, I will find comfort in God’s word regarding anger and the mercies He has shown me.  Today I will overlook in others more than God has overlooked in me.

1 Comment

What if I change my name to Priscilla or Phoebe?

May 20, 2008 at 7:57 pm (church plant, wife)
Tags: ,

I know the Journey to Oasis (the church plant Derek and I are heading towards) will require me to have the heart of a servant. To show the love of the Father to everyone. To be ready with a gentle hand for those in need. Speak with a patient voice amidst the outcry of children…

<screech> wait a minute…

Have you met me, Lord? Are you kidding me? I can’t even figure out the business end of a glue gun, much less how to be the sweet-spirited church lady that it would seem a church plant will demand.

So, I scramble to find the examples in scripture of fellowship with believers:

Acts 2:42 And they devoted themselves to the apostles’ teaching and the fellowship, to the breaking of bread and the prayers. 43 And awe came upon every soul, and many wonders and signs were being done through the apostles. 44 And all who believed were together and had all things in common. 45 And they were selling their possessions and belongings and distributing the proceeds to all, as any had need. 46 And day by day, attending the temple together and breaking bread in their homes, they received their food with glad and generous hearts, 47 praising God and having favor with all the people. And the Lord added to their number day by day those who were being saved.

Can I do this? Can I be the helpmeet to organize much of this?

I pray for a Priscilla or Phoebe buried deep within me to emerge as the standard for this journey. In Romans 16, I read where Paul is sending his Personal Greetings to many workers for the body of Christ.

Romans 16:1 I commend to you our sister Phoebe, a servant of the church at Cenchreae, 2 that you may welcome her in the Lord in a way worthy of the saints, and help her in whatever she may need from you, for she has been a patron of many and of myself as well.

3 Greet Prisca and Aquila, my fellow workers in Christ Jesus, 4 who risked their necks for my life, to whom not only I give thanks but all the churches of the Gentiles give thanks as well. 5 Greet also the church in their house. Greet my beloved Epaenetus, who was the first convert [2] to Christ in Asia. 6 Greet Mary, who has worked hard for you. 7 Greet Andronicus and Junia, [3] my kinsmen and my fellow prisoners. They are well known to the apostles, [4] and they were in Christ before me. 8 Greet Ampliatus, my beloved in the Lord. 9 Greet Urbanus, our fellow worker in Christ, and my beloved Stachys. 10 Greet Apelles, who is approved in Christ. Greet those who belong to the family of Aristobulus. 11 Greet my kinsman Herodion. Greet those in the Lord who belong to the family of Narcissus. 12 Greet those workers in the Lord, Tryphaena and Tryphosa. Greet the beloved Persis, who has worked hard in the Lord. 13 Greet Rufus, chosen in the Lord; also his mother, who has been a mother to me as well. 14 Greet Asyncritus, Phlegon, Hermes, Patrobas, Hermas, and the brothers [5] who are with them. 15 Greet Philologus, Julia, Nereus and his sister, and Olympas, and all the saints who are with them. 16 Greet one another with a holy kiss. All the churches of Christ greet you.

There are many examples here of women and men who served the body of Christ and had the moral standard by which we should conduct ourselves today.

But ya’ know…if planting churches is what God wants us to do, then how come a book detailed with job descriptions and key result areas was not included in the Canon?  I mean, seriously, why not?  Donkeys talked, seas were parted, but no instructions for a church plant.  Why not?

I get that these people were great witnesses, servants and in some cases, even strong leaders.  But where is the formula?  Where are the 10 commandments to planting a church?

And then there’s the other church planters around the world, young couples on fire for the Lord, popping out babies and getting their Master’s Degrees simultaneously.  All of them perfectly capable of taking a Q-tip and a pack of matches and building a church that lines up with the Gospel of Christ.

Again Lord…have you met me?  My house is never really clean and I live in a perpetual state of “doing laundry.”

I just want my sisters in Christ to stop hurting.  My heart’s desire is that they look to You as their hope and their future.  I pray for the people who feel only despair on Monday mornings and quiet desperation on Friday evenings.  I want my life to give hope to the lost.  I want to be willing to jump right into the pig pen of their lives and get messy with them.

I know, believe and trust that God did not bring me through the devastation that was my own life, into a wonderful and God-glorifying marriage only so I can passively sit in His presence. Maybe after all this writing and thinking, I have stumbled (quite by accident) upon the truth behind planting a church.

It simply isn’t about me.  It isn’t about me.  Truly…it’s not about me.

It’s about walking through life with God’s chosen people – the messy ones.

And therein lies our Hope that is Jesus Christ our Lord.

1 Comment